Serious problem: The iPhone 7 conundrum

Don't judge things based on rumors.


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The iPhone 7 is in deep, deep trouble. Or, pundits still don’t get how Apple makes its phones compelling. It’s one of those two things.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and hot dog water reclamation plant, Gordon Kelly says “Apple Leak Confirms iPhone 7 Serious Problem.” (Tip o’ the antlers to mylestaylor.)

Forbes, where dreams come true and unverified rumors are reality.

We know almost everything about the upcoming iPhone 7…

Except for the things we don’t know. Which could be huge.

But other than those things, everything.

So, given what we “know” about the iPhone 7 (disclaimer: actual knowing not included), what’s the problem?

How is the iPhone 7 going to excite mainstream customers?

It’s just a rectangle that makes phone calls!

Another ‘There’s exciting stuff, you just can’t see it’ campaign for the iPhone 7 isn’t going to reignite consumers’ passion…

Yes, the only thing that matters is if it looks different. It could have the exact same internals but if it were a rhombus or a triangle instead of a rectangle then, whoo boy, excitement city.

Ultimately if you’re going to take away something customers love and rely upon like the headphone jack, you better bury this bad news around killer replacement features… but with the iPhone 7 Apple doesn’t – one isolated leak aside – appear to have them.

The “isolated leak” Kelly links to is a rumor that the iPhone 7 might feature wireless charging. Note to Kelly: If it’s a “leak”, why doesn’t it get the same level of credence as the rumors of it being oh-so-dull you refer to in the title?

The Macalope doesn’t know if the iPhone 7 will have wireless charging, but that might explain why the antenna lines were moved and how the device could charge while you listen to music on Lightning headphones. Also, shipping a wireless charging stand separately for $80 kinda sounds like Apple. The point is, you should never make judgements based on rumor. Unless they’re from Madge in accounting. She’s rock solid.

By the way, did you hear what John and Karen were caught doing in the stairwell?! Positively scandalous!

None of which is to say the iPhone 7 will flop. It won’t.

Whatever gave you that idea? The title and most of this article? Oh, no, no, no. It just has “serious problems.” Which, graded on the Apple scale, would mean “tremendous success” for a device from pretty much any other manufacturer.

In fact only those wedded to the joys of iOS (and the promise of iOS 10) would pick the iPhone 7 over the Galaxy S7 with its stunning display, class leading camera, huge battery, wireless charging, expandable storage, water resistance… and yes, headphone jack.

Yes, if you completely ignore software, the specs on this other device are better! Only idiot Apple zealots don’t completely ignore software. Why are they so stupid and zealous?! It’s a mystery.

Apple’s already been clear that it’s going to have a harder 2016 than previous years. Even so, with a curve like Apple’s, it’ll probably do just fine.

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