Picture this: Unannounced phone in big trouble


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People are very concerned about the iPhone 7, which is in big trouble, by the way.

What? Oh, no, the iPhone 7 isn’t out yet. It won’t be out for months. But we “know” that it’s in big trouble because of all the things we “know” about it, you see. And what we “know” is not good. (So much “knowing”. So many sarcastic quotes.)

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and reform school for circus poodles gone bad, Ewan Spence describes the unbearable ennui that is the iPhone 7.

“Apple's Unimaginative Approach To Selling Its Boring New iPhone.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher and Shawn King.)

Dullsville, Montana. Population: iPhone 7. Which doesn’t even make sense. Why incorporate a township in rural Montana and then just leave an iPhone 7 there? It’s over-the-top avant-garde but it’s a real thing that definitely happened and the iPhone 7 is a veritable Sartre play of a phone. If Eugene O’Neill were writing today, he’d be writing a depressing play about the iPhone 7’s failure to excite instead of how mom’s addicted to morphine.

If you ask me…

That’s a pretty big if, Ewan.

…what story Apple is going to try to use to sell the upcoming iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus handsets, the answer is going to be the camera and the imaging potential of the device.

And now that we “know” for sure what Apple’s going to do, let’s monkey hammer the squid bus all the way to the donkey bank.

No, no. Sit down, please. No one can get off once the squid bus is in motion.

As Forbes’ Gordon Kelly pointed out while reporting on the latest leak…

The Forbes contributor network is like a recursive nonsense function, making ever deeper calls within itself to complete even greater levels of phony-baloney analysis.

The major consideration with this approach is that Apple has fallen behind in the quality of the pictures that the iPhone can take when compared to the competition.

This is a huge problem because, as we all know, everyone decides which phone to buy based on pixel density and image size.

Well, glad we settled that. No point in tuning in come September. It’s all over but the actual release and revelation of what the phone and user experience will actually be like. You know, all that boring stuff.

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