Just take off the Apple Watch if you don’t like it

Why wear something you hate? Unless, of course, it's to make a big deal out of it.


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This holiday season, please think of those who are suffering the most. Like tech pundits who are, for some reason, forcing themselves to wear an Apple Watch, like some kind of hair shirt.

Writing for The Street, Brian Sozzi complains “I Hate My Apple Watch So I Want to Trash It Before Christmas.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

Why would you continue to wear something you hate? Who does that?

Yes, overly dramatic tech pundits, the Macalope knows the answer, he just rejects the need for it to be so.

Life has to exist out there in smartwatch land beyond the Apple Watch, no?

Not really!

It was June 3, 2015, when I thought my life on Earth would change forever.

Does every overly dramatic “I’m leaving my X for good!” piece have to read like a tawdry bodice-ripper, or are the people who write them just prone to that style?

For on that sun-filled day…

Oh my god.

…the nearly $500 Apple Watch Sport I ordered several months prior during a calculated trip to a New York City Apple store finally arrived at the office.

A calculated trip, as opposed to all those time you stumble into the New York City Apple store by accident having meant to go into the H&M. By the way, is the New York store one of the Apple stores you declared back in 2013 to be “lame, tired and emotionless”? Because you sound pretty full of emotion about this. Like, weirdly full of emotion. Like, teen romance full of emotion.

Suffice it to say, it goes on and on like this. And then it goes on some more. Aaaand then a bit more. Reminder, this is a man deciding which watch he is going to wear, not King John deciding whether or not to sign the Magna Carta, or Nixon to go to China, or Bob Ross to go into painting.

Why can’t I type real messages in it like a big boy? (You can type on the Samsung Gear.)

Of course you can. You can also be completely gross to women with it!

It’s annoying for all the alerts it wants to send me while interviewing a CEO on-camera.

Only the humblest of brags.

So with Christmas approaching, I have set off on a mission to find a new smartwatch.

Good luck with that. Christmas is ruined.

Granted, I only know the Apple Watch and its quirks, and how seamlessly it just works with my iPhone 6s. But certainly better smartwatches exist out there, no?

No! There’s a reason basically every other smartwatch out there is failing while the Apple Watch is succeeding. Turns out it’s a good watch, Brandon. But you don’t have to like it. You don’t have to wear it. Maybe you will find another smartwatch you like more. It seems unlikely since the rest of the pack is rejects from even the Island of Misfit Toys, but the horny one supposes it’s possible.

Just try not to make it seem like your watch decision is as momentous as Hannibal deciding to cross the Alps.

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