Up is down, down is up: Apple’s always responsible


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Imagine, if you will for just a moment, being Apple. For years you’re told the sky is falling because Android has taken more market share and, uh, well, for some reason that’s bad, although no one is ever really able to articulate why when you take all the profit and get most of the apps first.


Does there have to be a reason for everything?

Anyway, you have the lowest market share! So low. Very bad.

Well, hey, despite having the lowest market share, what if you were also somehow responsible for all the ills of smartphones?!

“Apple Sued for Choosing Not to 'Lock-Out' iPhones Behind the Wheel to Prevent Texting and Driving.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Quint Bailey.)

California resident Julio Ceja is seeking a class action lawsuit against Apple, accusing the company of placing profit before consumer safety by choosing not to implement a lock-out mechanism that would disable an iPhone's functionality when being used behind the wheel by an engaged driver.

But, wait! It gets better. And by “better” the Macalope means antler-bangingly dumb and counter to a basic fact misguidedly used to justify almost every single anti-Apple diatribe you might have read for the last seven years.

Ceja asserts that Apple's "enormous market share" means that it is the "largest contributor" to texting and driving…

You have legally, under international statutes adopted by The Hague in 1972 governing the use of irresponsible rhetoric, got to be kidding me.

(Alas, those statutes were not actually adopted. Thanks, Finland.)

We have repeatedly, against our will and any sense of common decency, been told that Apple’s market share is a mere pittance compared to Android’s. Unless there’s some kind of problem and then it’s all on Apple.

"If texting and driving is a vessel of trouble, Apple is the captain of the ship," the complaint alleges.

If misguided lawsuits filled with bad analogies are the vessel of dumb, this complaint is admiral of the fleet, the Macalope alleges.

Hey, the horny one gets as mad as the next mythical creature over people texting and driving (except possibly the harpies but they’re mad about everything). But maybe start with legislation instead of lawsuits. And if you’re going to file a lawsuit, maybe go after the company that actually makes the operating system used on more smartphones. If the name’s not coming to you, here’s a hint: It starts with a “G” and rhymes with “Google” because that’s actually what it is, Google.

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