The iPhone H8: Gonna be so boring


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The Macalope is sorry to report that Apple will be shipping another iPhone this year. Ugh. Sorry.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and cut-rate bar mitzvah DJ training academy, Ewan Spence tells us how the “Disappointing iPhone 8 Leaks Are Key To Apple's Boring Success.” (Tip o’ the antlers to SamT, David V, Philip Speicher and @JonyIveParody.)

Dullesville, Calif. Population: Apple. Main exports: these boring iPhones no one likes.

Expectations are rising that Apple’s new iPhone 8 will be packed full of magical hardware and technological advances to create an all-powerful flagship smartphone.

But, nope.

Look, we all know the big hit phone this year will be the Nokia 3310 (tip o’ the antlers to Gerald Hammond). Inc. changed the title after publishing that piece, but for bonus LOLs check out the URL for the original title.


Anyway, back to how the iPhone 8’s key feature will be all the money you’ll save on Ambien.

There will be new features on the iPhone, but expect all of them to have been seen before in Apple’s competitors.

Of course, this is probably technically true. Spence is right that Apple’s unique ability is less in inventing new technologies than it is in taking existing technologies and making them useful and compelling. Its competitors, meanwhile, think nothing of jamming in pointless technologies like 3D, projectors, corkscrews and the kind of stuff that automatically triggers a gif of Jeff Goldblum saying “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they never stopped to think if they should.”

The fact that Apple has proven itself to be better able to package those features is what makes people excited about buying iPhones. Despite seeming to understand Apple’s forte, Spence doesn’t seem to get how it benefits the company.

Samsung’s Note 7 is a good example of the danger — the South Korean company had a wide range of products to fall back on when the Note 7 recall saddled the company with a significant charge and no phablet revenue to cover it during Q4 2016. If a similar fate were to happen to an iPhone then Apple has very little depth on the bench to cover any loss of business.

Indeed! If you’re not happy with Samsung’s exploding phones, just switch to their exploding washing machines!

OK, it’s not a completely crazy point. From time to time, iPhones have been known to catch fire or explode. But, the Macalope suspects Apple’s somewhat slower pace, better focus and higher value on getting the integrated experience right probably help weed out serious, endemic problems with its products.

Take a look at the Apple Watch. It first shipped in very limited supply because Apple found a flaw in the taptic engines it was receiving from one of two suppliers so it stopped using them. People complain that Apple only updates its line of phones annually. But responding to perceived threats or opportunities and rushing something to market is precisely what made Samsung ship the Note How Bright It Burns 7.

Apple cannot take as many risks with its smartphone as the competition.



Like, say, by taking out the headphone jack?

The Macalope’s been pretty consistent about how he thinks using the word “courage” was dumber than a… well, he was going to say a Forbes contributor network post but that might be going a bit far. Still, it was pretty dumb. However, taking out the headphone jack was a pretty big risk. It would have been mitigated if the company had been able to ship AirPods on time but, again, they waited until they were ready. Possibly preventing people from having their ears blown off. We’ll never know.

The success of the iPhone is key to Apple’s ongoing success. Of course this year’s iPhone is going to be boring and predictable.

Half the pundit class freaked out over the iPhone 7 not having a headphone jack. The other half called the iPhone 7 boring.

Well. What are you gonna do?

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