Problem-o-matic: iPhone 8 problems keep coming

It's like a perpetual motion machine.


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Are you worried about the iPhone 8 yet?

[Yoda voice] You will be. You will be.

Yoda was nothing if not famous for his hot takes on products that haven’t been announced yet. That’s like his whole character, bro. Go see a Star War.

Writing for CNet, Roger Cheng explains “iPhone 8 may miss one key feature already in the Galaxy S8.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Laurie Stoker and Alex.)

To date some of the Macalope’s favorite original Samsung features include advanced creeping technology and exploding washing machines.

But here’s the iPhone pre-fail du jour: The Galaxy S8 uses Gigabit LTE modems from Qualcomm while Apple uses a mix of Qualcomm chips and chips from Intel, which doesn’t have Gigabit LTE yet. Thus we can conclude that this phone that should be next year’s phone but is rumored to be coming this year (but is somehow still “late”), about which we really know nothing, will be very slow compared to a phone you don’t own when running it on a network that will be rolled out, eh, sometime.

Oh, it will also be ugly.

Got it? Let’s recap. This phone — which has not been announced yet — will be late, slow and ugly. This really could not be any worse for Apple. You know, if any of these had actually happened instead of them all being in the fevered imaginations of tech pundits. Very bad.

This imaginary red meat was too tempting for CNBC which piled on with “The next iPhone may be much slower than the Galaxy S8 — here’s why.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip Speicher.)

[15 minutes of weird interpretive dance on “why”]

The Macalope doesn’t know about you, but this is all so concerning that he’s not going to buy this phone yet! No, sir! He’s not laying down his money for a phone that may not be the fastest possible phone in certain cities, which he probably does not live in and rarely, if ever, visits!

Also, he’s not buying it because you cannot buy this phone right now. It hasn’t even been announced. Kind of makes it hard to buy.

Of course, as Cheng notes, Apple could just not use Intel chips in the iPhone 8. But do people buy iPhones based solely on the network speed? Sure, it’s important, but so is processing speed and the iPhone 7 is faster than the Galaxy S8. The Macalope is old enough to remember when no one was going to buy the original iPhone because it only ran on EDGE. By which he means he is older than 10 years old. Yet, at least a couple of people did buy that iPhone.

It is amazing how we are months away from seeing an iPhone 8 and we already have so many reasons to hate it.

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