Basic motivations: Making iPhone 8 headphone news


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Shocking news has reached the Macalope’s furry ears! Wait, can “news” be false? Let’s find out!

Writing for Boy Genius Report, Zach Epstein says “Apple’s iPhone 8 will basically bring back the headphone jack.” (Tip o’ the antlers to David V and David Gorski.)

How does one “basically” include a hardware feature?

Well, one does not include it, is the answer.

Look, the whole House Cup thing was always a complete sham that was rigged by Dumbledore showing up in the last five minutes to put his finger on the scale for Gryffindor because Neville Longbottom learned to tie his shoes by himself or something. But the Macalope is still going to have to take 80 points from Slytherin for egregious link baiting.

And another 20 points for beating around the bush for seven paragraphs before getting to the point.

And five more points just ‘cause.

That’s right, the headphone jack will make its triumphant return to the iPhone this year. Well, sort of.

No! Not at all! Even sort of!

To the world, the headphone jack is a 3.5mm mini jack. Will the iPhone 8 have a 3.5mm mini jack? No. It categorically will not. So what is Epstein on about?

But the new iPhone’s Lightning port will always be free and clear, waiting for users to connect their headphones even while the phone is charging. How is that going to work? Simple: Apple’s next-generation iPhone will finally support wireless charging.

So, a reasonable headline would have been “Apple’s iPhone 8 to include wireless charging.” But reasonable headlines don’t feed the bulldog.

Which is a really horrible figure of speech because bulldogs are actually very sweet animals, not insatiable click-based Internet Sarlacc pits.

While nothing is confirmed…

Well, the Macalope thinks we’ve at least confirmed something about the state of Internet tech coverage. Not that it’s anything we didn’t know before.

Wireless headphones are the future.

Used to be the children. But now it’s wireless headphones. Times change.

If you’re stuck in the past, however, you’ll no longer have any problem listening to music while charging your phone beginning with this year’s new iPhone models.

The Macalope wonders what the Venn diagram of people who can afford to buy $1,000 smartphones but can’t afford AirPods looks like. Seems like the overlap of circles there might be smaller than Epstein thinks it is.

While the iPhone 8 might return some of the convenience of not having to charge and listen to audio from the same port, that’s a far cry from returning the headphone jack.

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