All specced up and no place to go: Misunderstanding the iPhone


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It is time again to play the very popular game the Macalope just invented! You know it, you love it, please give a warm round of applause for…

What! Is! He! Talking! About?!

CNBC brings us the hottest of Wall Street analyst takes on the iPhone, delivered to your doorstep as stone cold as the contents of a Blue Apron box.

“The iPhone hasn't been the best in 5 years, but who cares, says Apple analyst.” (Tip o’ the antlers to That Mac Nerd.)

Apple hasn't had the best smartphone on the market for five or six years, Bernstein senior research analyst Toni Sacconaghi told CNBC…

What in the wide, wide world of nonsense is Sacconaghi talking about here? The Verge obviously had a “thing” about headphone jacks, but its review of the iPhone 6s could not be more unequivocal:

It is the best iPhone ever made, and it is right now the best phone on the market.

Clearly Sacconaghi isn’t talking about overall phone experience.

"Apple has continued to hold or in some cases gain share. And I think it's a combination of brand, which is particularly important worldwide (and) ecosystem because iOS is familiar and easy to use. ... As well as industrial design," Sacconaghi said.

So, Apple’s phones are designed better, they’re just not better. Other than largely getting reviewed as better and not, you know, blowing up and stuff.

Oh, yeah, Sacconaghi says the two companies that have had “superior hardware” over the last five years are HTC and Samsung. The company that shoved batteries together so tight in their phone that they asploded has “superior hardware”. He said that. That is apparently a thing you can say without asploding yourself from a critical buildup of irony when it is unable to escape from the body because you are incapable of recognizing it.

We are a few paragraphs and a mountain of tires on fire into this and we still have no idea how to answer the winning question, What Is He Talking About?

Well, there is only one thing he could be talking about, one thing that makes sense: specs. Yes, other phones have “things” that the iPhone does not. Therefore, the iPhone is not the best. These spreadsheet cells don’t lie.

(Disclaimer: they do, they totally lie, like, all the time.)

Is the Macalope the only one who remembers that the first iPhones supposedly weren’t going to make it because they shipped with EDGE? He knows it was 10 years ago and all but… true fact. Apple rarely ships with more “things” than any other manufacturer. Somehow they still do OK. It’s a mystery.

Well, that’s all we have time for on this edition of What Is He Talking About?! Johnny, please tell Tony what he’s won!


Ah. The Macalope is being informed there is no one named Johnny and that this is not a real game show.

Well. That’s very embarrassing.

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