Insanely Gr8: The iPhone 8 paradox


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The iPhone 8 summer of doom continues with a surprising twist that is so logically challenged it should not be viewed by small children, the infirm or those prone to episodes, even if they’re just episodes of the long-running supernatural drama, Supernatural.

Which the Macalope believes is in its 427th season. He may be off by one or two seasons.

Writing for The Boy Genius Report, Jacob Siegal says “Delays and an inflated price could doom the iPhone 8.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Kegan Tyler.)

2017 was supposed to be Apple’s year.

Alas, however, it is over and Apple did not release new phones. Better luck in 2018, Apple, which started yesterday. Happy New Year, by the way.

As successful as Apple has been over the past decade, the 10th anniversary of the iPhone was meant to signal another leap forward for the company…

There is a lot of setup here because there is very little meat for this meal and Siegal is hoping you will fill up on salad and breadsticks.

Instead, all we keep hearing about the iPhone 8 is its unsightly design, its sky-high price and the inevitability that it won’t release on time.

All from… BGR, of course. The Macalope will just point out that a) you haven’t seen it, b) you don’t know how much it will cost and Apple will also be releasing cheaper phones and c) you don’t know when it will be released, but if it’s released any time before September of 2018 it will be early not late because that’s how integers work.

So despite all the hype…

Yes, Apple certainly has hyped the iPhone 8, hasn’t it?

Not only is there a chance that the iPhone 8 will miss the standard mid-to-late September release window…

The Macalope is flabbergasted at how we went from “Wow, Apple may release the iPhone 8 a year early!” to “Oh, it might not come until October, it’s late, total fail.” Admittedly, there is a problem with drinking water quality in this country so maybe it’s all the lead.

…but the new components and features of the phone are expected to drive the price up to around $1,000, which would make it prohibitively expensive.

Is the 256GB iPhone 7s Plus prohibitively expensive at almost $1,000? Is a MacBook Air at a buck less than $1,000? Is $1,000 of gold coins at $1,000? You can’t judge something to be prohibitively expensive until you know what it’s worth. And you don’t know what it’s worth until you’ve seen it.

Marvel, now, if you dare, at the Olympic feats of logical gymnastics (Logical Gymnastics being an exhibition sport in the 2024 Summer Olympics) it takes to go from the iPhone being “prohibitively expensive” in one sentence to this in the next:

Even if Apple can somehow roll the iPhone 8 out on time, the company could face significant constraints when it comes to manufacturing enough phones to satisfy demand.

A lot of people think the Macalope’s antlers are for goring silly pundits, which they are, but they’re also to protect his brain from all the times he has to bang his head against his desk.

Maybe it’s just the horny one, but if you have information that shows the iPhone 8 is going to be a logical paradox—like a real life M.C. Escher painting—that is somehow simultaneously too expensive for anyone to want to buy and so wildly popular they can’t make them fast enough, you should probably lead with that. That would be big news, quantum mechanically speaking.

[Analysts] still expect the company to flourish in 2018, but even then, the loyalty of Apple’s most dedicated fans will be tested.

The company will flourish… or will it?!

Look, any company that can make an actual logical paradox probably has some skills. The Macalope thinks they’ll probably do OK.

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