No Apple rumor left behind: All must be derided

It'll never work. Whatever it is.


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The priests have entered the caverns that are probably chock full of noxious gasses yet again and we have an all-new Apple rumor, this time that Apple will ship an Apple Watch with a cellular connection this fall. So, naturally, we must hear how horrible it will be.

Writing for The Register, Andrew Orlowski says “No, Apple. A 4G Watch is a really bad idea.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Matt and @JonyIveParody.)

The sub-header?

Adding fail to fail

Yes, because the Apple Watch is such a failure.


I feel the same way about my Apple Watch as I do about Twin Peaks – I love it, but I don’t go around recommending it. No, sir.

This is a pretty good lede. The Macalope agrees that neither is for everyone. While the Macalope didn’t used to recommend the Apple Watch very much, however, since the prices have come down and the functionality has increased, he thinks it’s a great device if you have the interest or need.

Orlowski continues with the Twin Peaks analogy and as an article about Twin Peaks, this is actually pretty informative. The Macalope actually learned something! (He needs to track down the “Missing Pieces” outtakes from the 2014 Blu-ray. Thanks, Andrew!)

As an article about the Apple Watch, however, it’s a useless sandwich on dumb bread. So it’s probably good that almost a quarter of the piece is about Twin Peaks.

…you’re thinking: buying into Apple Watch only costs £658 and that’s only money. (For that is the price of the cheapest iPhone and the cheapest Apple Watch, at UK prices.)

[a golf clap so slow and sarcastic that it’s actually in reverse and sounds charmingly supportive but isn’t]

No, no one is thinking that. “Boy, I really want an Apple Watch. But I’m an Android user. Well, guess I’ll have to buy an iPhone, too.” No one does this. This is not how pricing works. Please leave the silly and pointless tricks to pets, for only they can pull them off with adorable aplomb.

The Series 1 starts at £269 in the UK. Is that a lot? Reasonable people can make their own judgements.

It’s actually more, as the titchy 38mm model makes no sense except as a contactless payment card, step counter and notification nagger – it’s too small and fiddly.

This will be news to the millions of 38mm Apple Watch owners. Quite the contrary, the fact that Apple sells a smaller smartwatch is an achievement its cross-section-of-a-tennis-ball-can-selling competitors can’t seem to match.

So, the rumor mill has Apple solving Orlowski’s bogus price dilemma by shipping an Apple Watch with its own cellular connection. Orlowski must be delighted. No, of course not. What piece are you reading? It’s not this one.

But take it from me, I’ve tried using a 4G watch, and it’s fun... for about 10 minutes. Perhaps longer, until somebody calls you in public.

Can we read the one you’re reading instead? Because the Macalope has kind of given up even making fun of this one.

All in all, a Watch with LTE is just a bigger bundle of inconvenience.

You have not seen this Watch. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Apple is, generally speaking, better at integrating technologies in a useful way. So using someone else’s smartwatch with a feature that Apple might add is about as valid an indicator of what the experience might be like as drinking rubbing alcohol is to get an idea of what Chateau Neuf du Pape tastes like.

The Macalope wishes we could at least wait until the features are actually displayed to deride them, but that is not the world we live in. Apparently.

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