Not a glitch in the matrix: Apple headlines on repeat


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You ever see two of the same thing pass by in succession and think it has to be a glitch in the matrix? Well, don’t extrapolate too much if it’s a headline, particularly one involving Apple.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and home to Bare-Eyed Eclipse Viewers Anonymous, Gordon Kelly goes to the well that apparently never goes dry.

“iPhone 8 Leak Reveals A Nasty New Surprise.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

The Macalope was confused because he felt like he read that column by Kelly a few weeks ago. Sure enough, he found several similarly-titled mauvais mots scribed by Kelly:

August 15th: “iPhone 8 Leak Reveals Apple’s Nasty Surprise.”

July 20th: “Apple iOS 10.3.3 Has Two Nasty Surprises.”

May 18th: “Apple iOS 10.3.2 Release Has A Nasty Surprise.”

When everything is a nasty surprise, is anything really a nasty surprise anymore? One gets the feeling that if you scrolled back far enough in Kelly’s list of Forbes articles you’d find “System 6.0 Release Has A Nasty Surprise.”

It’s not just Apple, though. You’ll also find “Galaxy Note 8 Leak ‘Confirms’ A Nasty Surprise.” and “Microsoft ‘Confirms’ Windows 10 Has Seriously Nasty Surprise.” Turns out these repeat headlines are all part of the plan:

‘Great Secret Features’ and ‘Nasty Surprises’ are my regular columns investigating the latest hardware and software for the best features / biggest problems hidden behind the headlines

He broke the code! Anyone who writes articles will tell you headlines are sometimes hard to come up with. Kelly solved it by rubber stamping them. Send this man a long and slow golf clap that lasts until the heat death of the universe.

Of course, that’s not the only construction he uses. Oh, no, no. You can also find:

August 8th: “iPhone 8 Leak Details Apple’s Biggest Problems.”

July 30th: “iPhone 8 Exclusive: Apple’s Design Causes A Problem.”

July 27th: “iPhone 8 Leak Reveals Apple’s New Problems.”

July 12th: “Why Apple’s iPhone 8 Has Serious Problems.”

These don’t seem to come with any note from Kelly about “Problems” being part of a grand headline design scheme. Problems are just individual problems but nasty surprises can be bound into a collectible volume. That you then throw into the sun.

Because these “nasty surprises” and “problems” with the iPhone 8 are mostly Touch ID possibly being replaced with Face ID, the camera and sensor bezel and camera bump making it wobble when laid on a table. Of course, “minor annoyances” and “things I know nothing about” don’t make for great article series, even if they’re considerably more accurate.

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