Unidirectional problems: Apple’s annual doom and gloom


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Another year, another win for Samsung and trouble for Apple.

Writing for InvestorPlace, Brad Moon explains “Why the Apple Inc. iPhone 8 Launch Will Be Rougher Than You Think.”

But, Braaaaaad, we already think it’s gonna be sooooo baaaaaad.

The countdown is on to the iPhone 8 launch. Apple Inc. is expected to send out the invitations for a September event any day now and there is a lot riding on it.

Every year there’s “a lot riding on it”. Last year it was vital that Apple somehow muster up some success with the headphone jack-less iPhone 7 so it could withstand the awesomeness of the Galaxy Note 7. Remember how that turned out?

Guess what, though! All is forgiven.

However, Samsung Electronics Co Ltd just put a speed bump in the way with the launch of the new Galaxy Note 8.

So glad we can all put the exploding and the fires and the burning, oh, god, the burning, behind us. It’s literally so last year.

Let us never speak of it again.

And let us never mention even once the fact that Samsung’s heir was just sentenced to five years in jail for bribery, hiding assets, embezzlement and perjury. (Tip o’ the antlers to S. Brady Calhoun.) That would be gauche. Let’s keep it respectful.

The smartphone Samsung unveiled yesterday in New York is its biggest and best ever.

The iPhone 8 will surely be small and not good.

Speaking of small and not good, how about this tweet from The Verge’s Casey Newton?

Just IMAGINE if iPhones blew up and Tim Cook was incapacitated and his son took over the company and was arrested for embezzlement

Please. The Macalope is sure, Casey, that everyone would simply look the other way and say there’s nothing to see here and we would all go back to our macramé and hahahaha, no, omg, it would be like getting sprayed in the face by a veritable fire hose of thick, chunky nonsense for 800 years.

But, we all agreed we’re not talking about Samsung’s repeated legal problems. Please, let’s continue.

Even though it’s also Samsung’s most expensive smartphone ever, the Galaxy S8 still comes in under $1,000—less than the iPhone 8 is predicted to go for.

Not exactly by a lot.

Chief among the changes for the new iPhones: refreshed versions, including a premium model priced at around $999, according to people briefed on the product…

Still, though, there are two things we know for certain about the iPhone 8 and they are 1) it will be priced so high that no one will want it and 2) no one will buy the iPhone 7s because they would rather wait for the iPhone 8, even if it’s delayed.

If the iPhone 8 is delayed, AAPL still has the iPhone 7s and 7s Plus also launching in September. But consumers who have been waiting for an all-new flagship may opt to skip those and either wait for the iPhone 8 to finally become available…

The Macalope firmly believe that there is a direct and verifiable correlation between referring to “Apple” the company as “AAPL” the stock and not noticing your logic is circular.

Apple probably doesn’t need to worry about its hardcore fans.

Those idiots will buy anything with an Apple logo on it, amirite?

However, undecided buyers are a concern. Those who are buying their first smartphone…

Yes, people who are buying their first smartphone will be really put off by the price and possible delay of a thousand dollar top-of-the-line phone from “AAPL”. The Macalope’s gonna go out on a limb and suggest that the market impact of people jumping from $50 feature phones to $999 smartphones is not going to be all that measurable.

…upgrading after many years, or who just plain don’t care whether they use iOS or Android could be a problem.

This is probably always a problem but the Macalope doesn’t know that a $70 difference between the two prices is going to make all that much of a difference.

Every year it’s the same story: nothing but problems for Apple while the world is Samsung’s oyster. Even if some of the company’s executives have to enjoy it from prison.

Oops. The Macalope forgot he wasn’t supposed to mention that.

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