The Eeyore principle: Face ID will never work

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We have been introduced to a new Apple technology and you know the drill, townspeople! Grab your torches and pitchforks and head for the castle!

Writing for Ars Technica, Ron Amadeo says “I’m worried that FaceID is going to suck—and here’s why.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian, Aryan Aneja, Brendan Daly and Alex Lind.)

Awkward ergonomics means Face ID will never be faster than a fingerprint sensor.

And we know this because we’ve all tried the iPhone X.

Riiiiiiiiight?

The all-new iPhone X is out, and it’s packed with technology.

And one adventurous little Shenzen spider that just wanted to see the world! Coming this winter from Dreamworks!

Rather than locate a fingerprint sensor on the back, like many phones have done…

And pundits complained about Apple possibly doing when that was the rumor because they hated the idea of it being on the back.

…Apple chose to do away with Touch ID entirely.

In favor of something they think is easier to use and more secure. But…

None of that matters. Face ID is still going to suck.

How do we know, know, know this?

This is not the first phone we’ve tried with a facial recognition feature, and they all have the same problem.

Even the iPhone X?

If you’re waiting for the giant shoe-shaped meteor that drops out of the sky and obliterates an entire species of thoughtful, renaissance artists living on Corvus 3 that might otherwise have prospered and developed into a benevolent spacefaring civilization and brought peace to the galaxy, don’t worry. It’s coming.

But, for now, we know Face ID will be crappy because all the other facial recognition technologies were crappy and it ain’t like Apple ever took something that was crappy for a long time an made it better like, oh, computing or digital music or tablet computing or smartphones or fingerprint recognition or a bunch of other things. It’s not like that’s literally what they do.

Well, at least Amadeo was at the event and tried…

I will admit I have not tried Face ID yet…

KA-BOOM! So long, Corvans.

Oooookay, look. The Macalope hasn’t tried Face ID yet, either. Maybe it will suck! But there’s a right way and a wrong way to write this. The right way is “It will be interesting to see if Apple has gotten this right because many of the use cases are tricky and so far everyone else has fallen down on the implementation.” The wrong way is what you just read.

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