Tugging at the heart strings: AirPods ruin everything


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Apple has ruined something again. Nothing big this time, though, just human intimacy.

Writing for Mashable, Nicole Gallucci says “Apple AirPods killed the best thing about sharing headphones.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Brian.)

The slapstick when you both start walking away from each other and the cords pull you back together and you bonk heads and pass out? Hilarious.

AirPods have ruined the headphone-sharing game…

Is that the game where you share your headphones with a family member and you never see them again? (The headphones or the family member? YES.)

…and I for one refuse to stay silent while decades of adorable eye-gazing, face-bumping, and shoulder-resting memories fade away.

OK, so this is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Apple is a target for these pieces because, more so than its competition, it’s able to foster large-scale changes like this that have certain social impacts. That’s probably a good thing, because Samsung thought it might be cool if snowboard bros were following women and filming them with their watches. Pretty sure we don’t want them in charge of any kind of social change.

…they’ve completely killed the intimacy that existed between two people sharing a single pair of wired headphones.

Is there no intimacy in trusting someone with an earphone that costs $69 to replace? Seems pretty nice to the Macalope.

With AirPods, headphone sharing has transformed into a cold, detached act that provides zero change in atmosphere.

Sharing wired headphones seems like a romantic dream come true until you see Baby Driver and realize Baby and Debora aren’t wearing any pair of EarPods you’ve ever seen because they’re walking around without them getting tangled or unceremoniously yanked out of their ears.


[The Macalope is dragged from the movie theater.]

I get that I’m a year late to Apple’s wireless party…

But I’m here now! [Tips over chip-n-dip, licks hand and sticks it into punch bowl.]

In a way, it’s almost like the wire acted as the world’s most innocent wingman, drawing two people closer together, giving them the perfect excuse to simply be near each other for a while.

Alas, there is no other way for couples to get close. R.I.P. Intimacy. Dawn of humanity—2016.

Of course this applies to all the wireless ear buds out there…

Oh. Weird then that one gets singled out. Very strange.

…it breaks my heart to think future generations might never know the wonders of sharing wired headphones.

The Macalope wouldn’t worry about that. Everything’s going to be VR and sex robots from here on out anyway.

Really, with everything that’s going on in technology now, complaining about the social effect of losing headphone cables seems like questioning the key in which the band on the Titanic was playing as the ship went down.

“C Major? Really? You’re gonna… no, that’s fine. Whatever. But, for the record, ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ is best in G and I would rather drown than hear it in C Major. So, good timing, I guess.”

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