Profane in the membrane: Apple’s naughty list

macalope
IDG

The year will be over soon so it is the natural time to look back at everything Apple has done and swear at it all.

Writing for Gizmodo, Adam Clark Estes details “Everything Apple F***ed Up This Year.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Rick.)

Who said journalism was dead? Some real forking shirtballs, that’s who.

People like to believe that Apple is a company that never makes mistakes.

Strawmen like to believe that they are real people. But they are not. At least not without an animation spell cast by a bog witch. And even then for some reason the animated strawmen espouse a preference for Hawaiian pizza, so it’s sort of a gray area.

Never has that logic been so obviously flawed as it was in 2017.

Estes admits that Apple had a very good year, but as the year wasn’t perfect we must “catalog [the] disasters”. We’ll show those imaginary people who think Apple is perfect.

…it’s useful to define what we’re talking about when we say that Apple made some goofs.

That’s not actually what you said, but OK. We’re in the third paragraph and already we’re trying to reel in the headline.

This year, it seemed like Apple couldn’t make it through a single week without some big, embarrassing screw up.

“Seemed” being the operative word.

It should go without saying that, yes, the Macalope knows Apple has screwed up a number of times this year, most notably the extremely bad iOS and macOS bugs that have come to light in the last month. The Macalope will say it anyway because people seem pedantic about this stuff: yes, Apple screwed up a number of times this year.

Of course, you could just as easily make a list of all the things Google f-ed up this year. But, for some reason, nobody ever does.

Estes’s list ranges from the truly bad to the yeah-OK-I-guess-that-was-bad to the what-are-you-even-talking-about.

…other construction projects in the Bay Area were getting upset after Apple bought up all the good trees for its new multibillion-dollar campus.

This is not something the company “f***ed up”. This is called “taking care of business.”

Here’s another:

[The HomePod] includes an indicator on the top that’s a dead ringer from the murderous artificially intelligent software HAL 9000 featured in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

First of all, a swirl of colors really is not a “dead ringer” for constant red. Presumably, all circles are reminiscent of HAL. Second, this is stupid. Third, you can’t have “Ooh, the HomePod is scary and might murder me in space!” and “Oh, no, the HomePod is delayed!” in the same list of f-ups. Either the first one is piffle or the second one is good news.

Face ID isn’t flawless

What a total f-up. Who is it again who thinks Apple is supposed to be perfect?

Needless to say, the list goes on and on.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with cataloguing mistakes made by Apple at the end of the year (although, the Macalope doesn’t know why you wouldn’t also catalog the company’s successes). It’s the ridiculous piling on, the idea that despite the company having a very good year we'll focus instead on mistakes imagined and real, and then filing everything under a profane headline that’s so clown-horn-soundingly absurd.

 
  
Shop Tech Products at Amazon