Shooting the messenger: Only if you can make it about Apple

Everything is Apple's fault if you try hard enough.


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It is a simple fact of life that literally everything is Apple’s fault. Such a sad trick of quantum mechanics that our particular universe is based on that fundamental truth but… here we are.

Writing for the lovely — LOVELY, I SAY — people and killer molds and long uncomfortable silences at Business Insider, Mark Matousek says “Air travel has become worse than ever — and the iPhone is to blame.” (No link but a tip o’ the antlers to Brian.)

Does Matousek even believe this? No. And, in fairness to him, he may not have even written the headline. It was probably written by one of Business Insider’s headline-writing algorithms that jam “Apple” or “iPhone” into any and everything.

“Dog Bites Man’s Apple iPhone, Apple Apple Apple.”

May or may not be an actual Business Insider headline. The Macalope didn’t check.

You may be wondering “But, wait. Doesn’t Business Insider famously use angry Apple-hating baboons to write its headlines? I feel sure I read that somewhere.” Well, it’s true that used to be the case, but the baboons were laid off several years ago and replaced with an algorithm.

Note that the page title on this piece is the much more staid “Airlines struggle with disruptive passengers.” BOR-ING. And, uh, more importantly, it violates Business Insider’s SEO maximization mandate. So, you will write it again, Mr. Matousek, until it has the oily sheen of jamming Apple into all the things that we like to see around here!

The article summary really shows just how much to blame the iPhone is.

Airlines can't control their passengers' behavior, but they haven't done much to make flying less stressful.

Damn you, iPhone!

Wait, what?

It’s time again to play one of the Macalope’s favorite games, “WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO KNOW?” The rules of this game are simple: the horny one will ask you, the reader, if you would be surprised to know something. You will, upon hearing the something, simply shake your head sadly because, no, you would not be surprised to know this, because you’re just as jaded as the Macalope is and you know how stupid tech coverage is. Let’s play!

WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO KNOW… that neither “iPhone” or “Apple” appears in the body of the article even once despite the headline specifically blaming the iPhone, because the Apple brand has literally nothing to do with this subject?

[a whoosh of wind created by all the sad head shaking]

Not. Once. Also not more than once, just to be clear. It’s not 80 times or something, it’s zero.

The point Matousek is trying to make is that viral videos taken on and shared via smartphones “create the impression that air travel has become a circus”. Then, despite that fact that for years Business Insider has bemoaned Apple’s smaller market share, the headline declares that it must be those terrible iPhones rather than Android phones that are ruining air travel for everyone by sharing videos of actual air travel.

At any rate, it’s not true that air travel has become a circus. Circuses may feature the same level of animal cruelty, sadness and clowns as air travel, but circuses actually start on time. So, no.

Still, the article was perfectly fine. It’s Business Insider’s patented Apple Jerkery Headline Generator™ the Macalope has a problem with. Repeatedly.

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