Unicorn updates: Apple fails to fix it all


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Apple updated the MacBook Pro this week and, just like with the rumored update to the iPhone, it only serves to point out how terrible everything is and how we all die alone and afraid behind the Denny’s in Emeryville dressed in a cowboy outfit because we’re in a Big Audio Dynamite cover band.

Wow, these new Tarot cards the Macalope got are weirdly specific.

Writing for ZDnet, Larry Dignan details the existential terror of the Mac.

“Apple upgrades 13- and 15-inch MacBook Pro 2018 laptops with new Intel chips, but won't quell worries about Mac's future.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Alan.)

This is a rare instance in which the headlines is actually more staid than the article. The subhead reads:

The guts of the MacBook Pro get a needed upgrade and the keyboard is quieter. But Apple needs to do more to convince us it has some enthusiasm or the Mac portfolio.

Apple does need to do more with the Mac. The Mac mini, for example, is 1,367 days old. Sorry, you missed your chance to call it “1337” by a month, but don’t worry because it is not in any way “1337”. If it does get an update in the fall as is being rumored, that will be four years between updates. That’s at least two too many years. Many would say three.

The Macalope is not a home upgrade rights firebrand by any stretch of the imagination, but you can’t take away our ability to upgrade Macs ourselves and then not offer upgraded Macs. It’s ludicrous. Preposterous. Lascivious.

Wait, not that last one.

At least The Macalope hopes not.

Well at least Apple updated the processors in its 13-inch and 15-inch Touch Bar MacBooks with RAM, storage and battery upgrades.

They updated the processors with battery upgrades?

But that circa 2016 design remains.

Ugh, that one-and-a-half—year-old design is sooo 2016.

If you are a pro user, there are definitely drawbacks to this design. The Macalope likes his, but he’s a hoofed ungulate who bangs out snarky responses to dull Apple analysis. That’s not pro work by any stretch of the imagination. It does seem like a laptop that is ill-designed for the market it purports to target. But it’s not like Apple can bang out a new design in 18 months. Expecting that is just lascivious.

Darn it! Ridiculous. The Macalope meant ridiculous.

MacBook Pro models feature the Touch Bar.

Not all of them, but Apple only updated the models with the Touch Bar.

While Apple's update of the guts of the Mac -- not to mention a third generation quieter keyboard -- is nice, the effort is a bit uninspired. In fact, the only thing Apple accomplished was stoking fears that the company is lollygagging with the Mac innovation.

That’s… the only thing it accomplished? Huh. Faster processors, more and faster RAM, True Tone display, quieter keyboard, larger storage options and a T2 chip with enhanced security and “Hey, Siri.” All of these are just “stoking fears”. Nnnkay.

If Apple had held an event for this then maybe that would have been disturbing. But it’s not bad for a Thursday. Obviously it doesn’t magically solve everything. But, then, The Macalope supposes that’s the standard for anything Apple does.

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