Community service: Apple isn’t here to solve Tesla’s problems

The opinions of Tesla fans notwithstanding.

macalope
IDG

The Macalope used to find suggestions of Apple buying Tesla utterly ridiculous. But thanks to Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s meltdown of late—from declaring one of the rescuers of the trapped Thai soccer team a pedophile to inviting SEC scrutiny after suggesting on Twitter he was taking the company private—he now finds them merely ridiculous.

It is unlikely that Musk wants to step down as CEO of Tesla, so what is the most ridiculous take possible?

“Tesla Bull Has ‘Dream’ Tim Cook Will Help Elon Musk Run Company.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Todd.)

PIPE DREAMS ARE STILL DREAMS.

Ross Gerber, the chief executive officer of fund manager Gerber Kawasaki Inc. and one of the most outspoken bullish investors in Tesla Inc., told Bloomberg Television on Monday there’s “no doubt” that the electric-car maker needs a skilled operator to swoop in and help Elon Musk. When asked who he’d want, Gerber responded with a doozy of an idea: Apple Inc. CEO Tim Cook.

Meanwhile, over in Tim Cook land…

“Tim Cook Poised to Receive Around $120 Million in Apple Stock as Tenure and Performance Award.”

The Macalope is sure he’ll be dropping that dumb CEO gig at Apple to run over and work for “less-in-control Steve Jobs” any day now. Makes sense because the Apple board is sure to be ousting him. Haven’t you heard? The iPhone X is a failure.

Must be nice to get paid to go on TV and read your technology industry slashfic.

“Tim Cook takes over all the boring parts of running Tesla and Elon—I like to call him ‘Elon’—comes over to my house and we play Fortnite all weekend and we are best friends forever.” Sorry, just because Musk needs some adult supervision it doesn’t mean it’s Tim Cook’s turn to babysit.

Still, however, you can’t swing a USB-C cable without hitting a hot take on how Apple should fix Tesla. Please note that if you don’t come up with your own, you will not be getting a seat on Musk’s Mars express. Lazy do-nothings like you will have no place in his Martian paradise.

Gary.

“Apple could fix Tesla’s crippling production problems.”

By buying it. Well, maybe. But why would it?

A benefit for Apple would be access to Tesla’s experience actually making autos.

Apple’s already scooped up any number of people with auto industry expertise, including people from Tesla. And people from Apple who went to Tesla. And, possibly, people who went from Tesla to Apple, back to Tesla and then back to Apple again. Why would it go to the trouble to buy a process that is, by many accounts, already broken instead of just building its own? Oh, right, to satisfy the feelings of Tesla fans and the pocketbooks of Tesla shareholders. Got it.

Well, if Apple doesn’t exist to fix other company’s problems, then what does it exist for?

  
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