An F grade assessment: Pre-judging Apple’s keynote

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Apple announced new iPhones and a new Apple Watch yesterday but people were complaining about it before it even happened.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and home of the all-Pixy Stix diet plan, Curtis Silver declared “Apple Frickin’ Better Show The Fudge Up Today As We All ‘Gather Round’.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick and Elliot.)

Guy’s a one-man f-word euphemism factory.

Silver never really says what would happen if Apple were not to flipping “show up.” He just complains things aren’t like he remembers them and waxes nostalgic for Apple keynotes of yore.

“F-yeah” the crowd would yell.

Really? Who yelled that? Was it Randy?

Dammit, Randy.

Now, however, Apple events are ho-hum affairs marked more by their lack of half-decent cucumber sandwiches than their fist pumping and f-bombs.

There’s just something missing.

Well, they don’t invite Randy anymore. He got to be a problem. That time he brought two of his friends and they took off their shirts and each of them had a letter of “TIM” written on their chests but they stood backwards and it was “MIT”? Ugh.

There is this Kimmy Schmidt, Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street feel to this whole ‘gather round’ thing. It’s homey, it’s cheesy and it doesn’t exactly inspire the edge and innovation that Apple used to be known for.

“Gather round” is a reference, of course, to Apple’s new campus building. But maybe it is stodgy. Perhaps we could come up with something better they could have used, more youthful, like, say, “GET IN THE HOLE!” or “RING-A-DING-DING!” OK, maybe not that one.

Now, I could be wrong.

Oh. Very generous of you.

This could be the kind of gathering around that ends with Brad Pitt as a dissociative personality of Ed Norton beating the crap out of Jared Leto.

The first rule of Apple keynote club is everyone talks about Apple keynote club. Whether they have anything interesting to say about it or not.

Or it could be the kind of gathering that ends with Dale and Brennan performing “Por Ti Volaré” at the Catalina Wine Mixer.

I HAVE SEEN MANY MOVIES, I CAN ASSURE YOU.

The next phone up will probably be the (ugh) iPhone Xs Max. That’s right, Max. It appears that Apple is dropping the ‘plus’ designation for its larger phones and going straight for the rock climbing crossfit crowd.

“Gather round” is too old. “Max” is too young. Everything is fracked up and bullshirt.

About the cheaper LCD-based iPhone, Silver said:

…it’ll most likely be the iPhone 9 since Apple can’t go forever skipping a number. We all know how to count.

Yes, it goes 1, 3G, 3 GS, 4, 4S…

Anyway, it was not the iPhone 9.

Now, when we gather round later today will we see a new MacBook? Will there be a Mac Mini? An iMac? What about iPad pros? We could see all these things, but we could also see none of them which would be a detriment to what we’ve come to expect from an Apple event.

The Macalope fondly remembers the 2008 Macworld Expo keynote where people lamented that the only big news was a thin laptop nobody wanted. He also remembers the 2009 Macworld Expo keynote where people lamented that they spent five minutes showing a video about batteries. We tend to remember the big keynotes but they weren’t all pants-droppingly amazing.

You know how when something exciting happens and your pants spontaneously fall down? No? Just The Macalope, then.

We didn’t get new Macs or iPads but The Macalope expects they’ll be along soon enough. Jamming them into an already full keynote does not make it a better keynote. In the end, Apple announced three entirely new phones and a redesigned Watch. That’s pretty good for a day’s work.

  
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