Problem inflation: Apple's mole hills made into mountains

Not every Apple problem should have to be a scandal.

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There are problems and then there are Apple problems. Apple problems, of course, are always the worst.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and school of interpretive Dance Dance Revolution, Gordon Kelly says “Apple 'Confirms' iPhones Have A Serious Problem.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

Oh, are they bursting into flames in such high numbers that they’re going to have to be recalled? No! It’s worse.

The camera smoothing is set too high.

There’s a lot to like about the iPhone XS and iPhone XS Max while, in my opinion, the budget-friendly iPhone XR is the best of the bunch.

Ask not for whom the big “but” tolls. It tolls for thee, Apple.

But…

BONG.

…their launches have been more mixed and having already admitted to one serious launch problem, now Apple has quietly confessed to another…

You may wonder what in the wide world of competitive barn dancing Kelly is talking about here when he says “launch problems,” but it’s the fact that it took the iPhone XR a few days to sell out instead of hours and the iOS 12 charging issue for which Apple has already issued a fix. These are “serious” issues according to the network synonymous with “ARRRRGH! BLAZZLEFROZZLE!”

The company chose not to issue a public statement but instead confirmed to The Verge that the so-called ‘BeautyGate’ scandal is indeed real.

Just in the last paragraph it was a “serious problem,” now it’s a “scandal.” Expect it to be upgraded to a cat 5 DOOMICANE by the end of the column.

So, the iPhone XS front-facing camera is over-aggressively smoothing skin when you take a selfie with it. In other words, it’s probably making you look better than you do. Or look more like an overgrown baby with facial hair than you do.

The Macalope said more like one, Karl.

Curiously buried within its review of the iPhone XR, Verge editor-in-chief Nilay Patel dropped the following news…

Yeah, it’s “buried” in the review because even the home of the headphone jack fan club knows it’s just not that big a deal.

Apple’s response to the issue was complete silence for almost a month.

But Apple can’t hide from us, the League of Extraordinarily Hyperbolic Gentlemen. Quick! To the Histrionicsmobile!

Now we get to the end where The Macalope has to rhetorically ask “Is this a problem?” and then say “Yes, dur, it is a problem and Apple should fix it. But holy sweet alfalfa, if this is a “scandal” what word do you use to describe Watergate or Enron or even what goes on in the popular TV show “Scandal”? Please, The Macalope begs you, check the words in the English language that you use before you wreck the words in the English language that you use.

  
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