Everything stinks: iPhones are the worst


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We’re approaching the end of 2018 so it’s time now to list all the ways Apple has done us wrong all year long. Sadly, no one has yet had the gumption to make one of these list into a country-western song. Think outside the yearly complaints list box, pundits!

Writing for Gizmodo, Sam Rutherford has some complaints.

“It's 2018, and the iPhone Is Still Super Annoying.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Peter and Dawnson.)

Lording atop its portfolio like some kind of $1,000 crown jewel…

OK, if you’re going to use the “crown jewel” metaphor yourself, then the iPhone is exactly that, the crown jewel of Apple’s portfolio.

…the iPhone is undoubtedly the Apple’s most important product.

Some might go so far as to say it’s the company’s… crown jewel.

And for years, people have droned on about how the phone that Jobs built is the most innovative and user-friendly device out there. But is it really?

Consider the stapler. Or soup. Underpants. The animatronic duck. All innovative and very user-friendly.

…more than ever, the decisions that go into improving the iPhone seem at odds with how people actually want to use the device. Here’s a rundown of all the annoyances iPhone users have had to put up with in 2018.


Is this a Twitch video now? Please check out my video of the top 10 screen grabs of other people playing Fortnite.

According to the company, it took great “courage” to eliminate the headphone jack on the iPhone 7…

Note to Phil Schiller: please do not tee things up for pundits.

…but really, it just got rid of a universally accepted I/O standard in an effort to get people to pony up for AirPods…

Then what are Samsung and Google’s excuses?

The Macalope was going to add Essential but is Essential even still in business? Who knows?

Then last year, Apple took away people’s home buttons and replaced them with a big fat notch…


That brings us to 2018 when Apple had the gall to take the iPhone X’s $1,000 price tag and bump it up to $1,100 for this year’s iPhone XS Max.

In order to pad my list of complaints, I will compare two different phone categories as if they are they same. The iPhone XS, of course, costs the same as the iPhone X did.

Thanks to Apple’s new A12 Bionic chip (which is a powerhouse of a mobile chip), the new iPhones are faster too. But honestly, has anyone in the last few years ever complained about their new iPhone feeling slow?

What internet are you reading? Complaining that Apple deliberately tries to slow down phones with operating system updates and to prevent them from shutting down (like we believe that lame excuse!) is pretty much a cottage industry.

Then there’s the iPhone XR, Apple’s supposed “affordable” iPhone, which starting at $750, costs $125 more than a Galaxy S9…

Rutherford has discovered that Apple devices cost more. Surely this revelation will doom the company.

Now, marvel at this complaint in an article ostensibly about 2018.

The iPhone is the smartphone you give to your grandparents or children, because yes, it is easy to use. And yet, iOS 11 was one of the buggiest versions of Apple’s mobile software ever released. …with things getting so bad that Apple decided to delay new features in iOS 12 to fix all the broken s**t in iOS 11.

Can you believe they fixed stuff this year?! Wow. Way to go, Apple. If that’s even your real name.

Apple makes mistakes, there’s no doubt about that (like, say, violating its own App Store rules to push ads). The Macalope just doesn’t get why we have to pad these year-in-review pieces to make it seem like every year was the worst year for the company ever.

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