Not getting the Band back together: The wearables market

Bye-bye, Microsoft Band.

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It was the best of takes, it was the worst of takes.

Oh, sorry, that’s wrong. It was just the worst of takes.

Cue the time-travel effect as we go back all the way to 2015 to read that with its Band, “Microsoft outsmarts Apple Watch.” And here The Macalope is required by law to note that he is not making these quotes up.

No, really, actual law. The Not Gonna Fool Ya ‘Gain Act of 2005.

Anyway, here is what Matt Krantz wrote the month before the Apple Watch was released:

And while consumers don’t appear to be excited about the Apple Watch, the Band has been an unexpected hit for Microsoft.

An unexpected hit! Apple was surely doomed by Microsoft’s wearable juggernaut which was a Deadpool 2 cool kind of Juggernaut not an X-Men 3 lame kind of Juggernaut. Not only that:

In some ways, Apple is executing like the old and dominant Microsoft and Microsoft is executing as the resurgent Apple in the smartwatch race.

Indeed! Not only is the Band a huge winner based on these extremely sketchy data points I pulled together and fashioned into fan art using some gum and picture wire, but this extremely flimsy house of cards and mixed metaphors I have constructed on an electric football game that’s about to get turned on speaks volumes about each company’s ability to execute!

Well, as they say in Winning Town, a funny thing happened on the way to here.

“Bye bye, Band: Microsoft to end support for fitness wearable device and health dashboard.”

What?! Who saw that coming, other than everyone reading this article who has even just a passing familiarity with sarcasm?!

OK, sure, Microsoft has killed the Band and its associated platform. But it’s not like the Apple Watch has turned into OH COME ON LET ME FINISH THE SENT-

“Apple Watch Captures Half of 18 Million Global Smartwatch Shipments in Q4 2018.”

-ence. Grrr.

Back in 2014 to 2015, wearables was the category where Apple was supposedly behind. Someone even said Apple would “disappear” if it didn’t introduce a Watch within 60 days. Sure, it was noted wack-a-doodle Trip Chowdhry, but still. Now that Apple owns the category, wearables are over. Now everyone is on to foldable phones. That’ll be the thing that takes Apple down for sure.

It’s temping to say “wash, rinse, repeat” about this phenomenon of Apple punditry, but in that metaphor you end up clean. What’s the equivalent where you end up feeling all gross?

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