Hyperbolic style: All Apple decisions are terrible

If Apple has made a design choice, it’s pretty easy to say it’s bad.


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It’s another week and another example of how Apple’s design choices must be seen as the worst thing ever.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and penny-farthing ride-sharing network, Gordon Kelly tells us how an “Apple Insider Corroborates Ugly New iPhone Designs.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic, Matt and Alberto.)

Yes, according to several rumors, including some images posted by Bloomberg’s Mark Gurman, this year’s crop of iPhones will feature square camera bumps to house the three cameras that will be on some models. And, as we learned with the Apple Watch flop, squares are inherently hideous. This is just a fact of geometry, people.

Kelly doesn’t really have a suggestion here as to how it would be more aesthetically pleasing to house three cameras, he just wants to complain.

…as promising as its internals sound, Gurman has shown that externally Apple is getting it all wrong.

Yes, Apple is getting it all wrong because in addition to the square camera bump, the phone itself is shaped like a rhombus while the screen is octagonal. It comes in a box that’s actually a tesseract rotating through our 4-dimensional space so slowly that it can only be opened once every 4,000 years.

See, that might be getting it “all wrong” but here it just appears to be a square camera bump. The Macalope’s not trying to say it looks great but he never liked the notch that much, either, and that worked out fine.

Hyperbolic is just house style for the Forbes contributor network and red tide oyster discount warehouse.

In a pair of tweets (1,2), he has revealed new iPhone case molds which confirm our worst fears…

How do you live like this? Speaking personally, The Macalope’s worst fear is being dropped into a vat full of squirming deer ticks. That seems worse to him than a square camera bump but… to each his own.

Gurman rightly qualifies his tweets by adding “at least based on one mold floating around.” For Kelly, however, this is “confirmed” and the worst.

…as well as two polarizing new color options for the iPhone XR2.

The colors are polarizing because some people will like and buy them while other people will buy black or white which are, of course, still available. How will our country heal from this level of polarization?

The molds spell it out.

When you get enough of them to arrange into the letters S, U and X.

The hump is the largest in the industry…

Awww, yeaaaaah.

…with Apple’s current iPhones currently embroiled in a new battery scandal…

Please read Kelly’s collected fever dreams, now available as a four-book boxed set from Cuckoo Bananatown Publishing.

…and the new models just four months away, it may be worth waiting to see for yourself.

Although, if you are even slightly interested in this hell-scape of a phone, you deserve to suffer in the fires of perdition for all eternity.

Just sayin’.

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