The feature that dare not be named: Apple’s privacy advantage

Sure, Apple talks about it a lot and it's one of the big reasons people prefer its products, but why mention it?


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It’s been more than a week since Apple’s WWDC 2019 keynote and now it’s time to look back and…[squints to read] realize what a failure it was.

That seems wrong, but that’s what it says here.

Yes, writing for the Forbes contributor network and sock puppet theater, Greg Petro says that “At its Core, Apple Is No Longer Innovative.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Peter and Gary.)

Just this week at Apple’s much touted WWDC 2019, the company unveiled—you guessed it—more mundane updates to its iOS software for iPhone and iPad…

Clearly Petro has talked to developers and not a one is excited about SwiftUI.

Programming stuff? At a developers’ conference? Puh-leeze.

Still, if you’re just an end user of one of Apple’s operating systems, there’s at least one thing to get excited about beyond the smaller things that Petro mentions like dark mode and new apps. Curiously, it’s a thing that Petro never mentions even once, and you’ve probably already guessed what it is because you are one of the Macalope’s savvy and sultry readers: privacy.

It’s the feature that pundits never want to discuss because it’s such an obvious Apple advantage. You’d think that maybe they’d have heard about it since it was important enough for The New York Times to run a “Yeah, but…” op-ed piece by Google’s CEO on its pages, which just happen to run undisclosed Google tracking scripts.

As I mentioned in January, what we are experiencing is the slow and steady decline of Apple.

Mmm-hmm, yes, that is certainly the big takeaway from this year’s WWDC. How could anyone…think…uh…anything other than…that?

OK, look, the Macalope can’t up the faux agreement: It’s too exhausting and, in this instance, sort of itchy and nauseating at the same time. Actual Apple developers—the people who the conference was for—were really quite excited by last week’s announcements. There are only two reasons why someone could get this so wrong: abject failure to understand what was announced or deliberate shenanigans.

Here’s a look at a few of the most visible places Apple is falling down:

Dear reader, you might be thinking “This oughta be good.”

Oh, it will, the Macalope assures you.

The Folding Phone

Yes, Apple is woefully behind on products that fail dramatically during reviews and have to be canceled before a single unit ships to customers.

This is how Petro describes the supposed foldable phone market:

Earlier this year, Samsung and Huawei unveiled the first folding phones, with the new Galaxy Fold on sale in April.

Indeed! It did go on sale! And then all sales were canceled because if you folded the Fold it broke. Seems like that might be a salient point worth mentioning but…I guess not since Petro does not. Now the Macalope’s leaning toward shenanigans. Which, by the way, is the name of his first solo album.

Petro also mentions AI as an area where Apple is behind without (as already noted) mentioning privacy, because who cares about that? He also lists “Retail Stores” on a list of items that are supposedly places where Apple is “falling down,” which is pretty hilarious considering Apple famously makes more per square foot at its stores than Tiffany does.

Seems like a big problem.

The Apple Watch is also apparently in trouble because—and, please, swallow any liquids that might be in your mouth before reading this—“Huawei is hot on Apple’s tail.” Huawei: the company that, while seeing growing smartwatch sales, currently sells fewer than half as many as Apple does, was recently banned from selling products in the U.S., and which had its ARM license revoked.

But Apple’s the one that’s in trouble.

Apple will need to introduce and own an entirely new product category nobody knew they could live without—and fast.

Yeah! Like $2,000 folding phones with screens that break when you, uh, actually fold the phone.

Now, earlier the Macalope told you to clear your mouth of all liquids before reading on. For Petro’s coda, however, the horny one really thinks you might want to consider several days of fasting before reading on because the hilarity could cause any number of gastroenterological expressions.

While it’s likely that many die-hard Apple supporters will hang on for a little while longer…

You know, maybe through the weekend. Possibly as long as Wednesday next. But we just don’t know.

…Apple is the house that innovation built. Without innovation, there will be no more Apple.

Everyone talks about the lack of innovation at Apple but nobody talks about the lack of innovation in “lack of innovation” articles about Apple.

Rest assured that, as long as the company exists, there will continue to be opinion pieces about its impending doom that will somehow fail to mention the most obvious of the company’s strategic advantages.

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