Making mountains out of camera bumps: How Apple ruined the 2019 iPhones

Renders do not an iPhone make.

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At this point should Apple even bother releasing iPhones this fall? We hate them so much already. What’s the point?

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and ipecac concept laboratory, Gordon Kelly tells us who put the bump in the bump bah bump. It was Apple and they ruined the iPhone by doing it.

“Apple Secrets Exposed As Insider Models 2019 iPhone Designs.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

And by “insider” he does not mean someone who works at Apple. So, by “insider” he means “outsider.” Sorry for any confusion.

There’s a popular theory emerging from Apple fans: the company’s ugly new iPhone designs will not look so bad once you get them in hand. But they’re wrong.

Oh, so people have held the actual devices that Apple is going to ship and have determined that they still look bad?

Ha-ha! No! Are you new here? Is this your first day reading Apple rumors? Are you literally three years old?

Oh, you’re going to cry now? You’re crying? Oh, that’s really mature, Khaleesi Cadence Concordia McLaren. Let The Macalope tell you, young lady, they will eat you alive at Briar Patch Montessori and Organic Farm School for Gifted Pre-Schoolers with that kind of attitude so you’d better toughen up or your chances of getting in to Reed are going to be shot before you get to first grade. Why don’t you spend a little time in the Reflection Chair and think about what you’ve done.

Anyway, sorry you had to see that but no, the answer is “no,” these are not in any way the actual product, no matter how much Kelly would like to pretend that they are.

Following the leak of detailed schematics and stunning renders…

No one “leaked” these renders. The renders were built from available information based on rumors and then tweeted. Shape-wise, they’re probably spot on. That doesn’t mean we know exactly how they’ll look, though.

And when you strip away the sheen, the reality is even worse.

You have literally no idea what the “reality” will be. What you have are the guesses of people who do not work at Apple. And, yeah, if you take away the “sheen” from premium smartphones, of course they’re going to look worse. As The Macalope has previously pointed out, the renders that Kelly likes to rail about generally have the entire camera bump made of the same finish as the rest of the back. No one knows if this is how it’s going to look and if it does it would be different than how current iPhone camera bumps look so it doesn’t seem very likely.

But the hideous bump isn’t all Apple’s screwing up.

That said, the company will abandon its class-leading 3D Touch technology this year, which means the iPhone 11 and 11 Max will deliver a haptic experience inferior to every iPhone since the iPhone 6S.

For this you may alternatively read: “Apple will be removing a feature that is redundant to haptic feedback because it never caught on and was not implemented across the lineup. Also, I forgot about the iPhone SE and iPhone XR.” It is hilarious how Apple features are confusing or failures until Apple discontinues them and then they’re suddenly the best ever and Apple is ruining everything.

What should you do? Given what we now know about Apple’s exciting 2020 redesign and the introduction of full-screen Touch ID, the smart move is to hold fire.

Kelly is spot on here. You should absolutely not run out and buy phones that are not available yet. Because if you did, you might break causality and force to universe into a temporal loop.

And God knows we don’t need that. Not in this timeline. Yeesh.

Good TV shows. But everything else? Ugh.

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