Hacks: Tall tales of Apple security woes


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Have you heard the one about the Face ID “hack”?

WELL. Keep your hands and feet inside the cart as this ride can take sudden turns.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and yodeling mime academy, Davey Winder says “Apple's iPhone FaceID Hacked In Less Than 120 Seconds.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

“Hacked”, you will not be surprised to discover, is used somewhat loosely in this context.

What you need to know is this is an extremely clever and dangerous hack that puts you in danger right now. Its key element is just one thing: free access to the unconscious body of the iPhone owner. That’s it.

Winder does admit:

Somewhat ironically, I don't think you need to lose too much sleep over this one.

You might, however, want to rethink your tendency to get blackout drunk and fall asleep in Grand Central Station while looking at your iPhone in glasses that have white tape on them covered by black tape which has a little hole in it to simulate irises. Seriously, Greg, your partner, your friends, your family… we’re all concerned about you. This is an intervention.


So, this is less of a “hack” than it is a puppet show using a live but unconscious human body. “Hack” is certainly shorter to write in a headline, though.

While Winder admits this isn’t worth worrying about, rest assured the rest of the Forbes contributor network and fish tube refurbishing and resale warehouse is taking this deflated football and running with it. Here’s Gordon Kelly knocking over pee wee football players left and right in a mad dash to the end zone. (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick.)

Apple is having a bad week. Just days after Face ID was hacked…

Now it’s a thing you can just drop into your first paragraph because we all know about this horrible Face ID hack, right? Kelly goes on to describe this SQLite bug in iOS in the most dramatic terms possible — describing it as “an extraordinary story of Apple neglect” resulting from Apple’s “lazy oversight” — before noting in paragraph eight that “hackers need access to your unlocked iPhone or iPad to exploit it”.

Weird how people are not up in arms about Apple’s lackadaisical malpractice in this instance.

Needless to say, neither of these things is good news for Apple and Apple needs to fix them both, but pardon us for not wanting to ride your rickety carnival ferris wheel of manufactured Apple outrage.

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