Elusive 11: The terrible, hard-to-buy iPhone

Nobody should buy an iPhone 11 Pro, but why does it have to be so hard?


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It turns out the iPhone 11 Pro appears to be selling very well. Which is terrible.

Writing for Vice, Jason Koebler says “It Is Currently Impossible to Exchange Money for an iPhone.” (Tip o’ the antler to Nick.)

What about two wheat for an iPhone?

Three wheat?

Three wheat and one lumber! That’s my final offer!

No one?

I should not have built my settlement next to the desert.

When I walked into an Apple Store in Brooklyn yesterday and asked for a phone (“I want to buy a phone," I said)…

This might seem like too much information but as Apple retail staff will only sell you a phone if you use the exact phrasing of a magical incantation, it’s important.

Anyway, way off.

…the guy working there told me he didn’t have any phones to sell me.

They also have no bananas today.

Or any day, really. They just don’t sell bananas.

If you want to buy a new iPhone, there are two basic options: You can either become beholden to Apple for the next two years of your life by paying monthly installments of between $30 and $60, or you can give the company a bunch of money up front.

So… you have to pay for the phone is your point. Yes, that seems quite the dastardly scheme Apple has cooked up, no pun intended. For shame, Apple. For shame.

Neither option is appealing…

Certainly not as appealing as getting it for free, no.

I think that buying a new phone is a shameful but occasionally necessary activity to continue living in the modern world.

You seem like you’re carrying a lot of baggage into this transaction.

The problem is that, at the moment, it is nearly impossible to exchange US currency for an iPhone 11 Pro.

Because many models are backordered, which is not unusual for October. The Macalope isn’t sure why this piece isn’t written as “The iPhone 11 Pro is backordered two to three weeks” instead of “I CAN’T BUY THIS STUPID PHONE I DON’T WANT!” The Macalope supposes it’s because if you just write that it’s backordered, then you have to note that it’s probably because it’s popular. But that would look good for Apple. And we can’t have that. Instead, find someone who hates modern technology and capitalism to write a piece about buying a smartphone. There. Perfect.

Oh, but, by the way… that thing about it being “impossible” to buy an iPhone? Ha, well…

It is worth noting that you can buy the 64GB version of the iPhone 11 Pro at most stores…

[The Macalope turns and stares into the camera so hard the lens breaks]

So, when we say it’s “impossible to exchange money for an iPhone” what we really mean is you have to wait to exchange money for certain models of the iPhone. We do not regret any confusion, the confusion is part of our SEO strategy. Good night and God bless.

…which is a version of the phone that shouldn't exist because that is not enough storage.

The Macalope knows any number of people who will never, ever fill up a 64GB phone (indeed, he has not quite filled up his own) but Koebler believes they should be forced to pay more for or just summarily given extra storage capacity that they don’t need. Complaining about not being able to buy a phone you don’t want because you can’t get it in a large enough capacity is the smartphone equivalent of “the food in the restaurant is terrible and the portions are too small”.

This piece clearly seems written with the intent to add as many poisonous barbs as possible, regardless as to whether or not they make a lick of sense.

Apple hasn't released sales figures yet, but analysts are saying that demand for the iPhone 11 are [sic] extremely high…


…Apple is doing a bad job of making it easy for people to give it money.

Here’s another way of looking at it: if you really hated capitalism, you’d thank them.

There, now The Macalope’s given you something new to think about.

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