To badly go: Samsung’s not-so-great fall

Apple's not perfect but Samsung always keeps it exciting.


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Disclaimer before reading this column: Apple is not perfect!

There. Got that out of the way.

Some people seem to think this furry critic of malformed musings believes Apple can do no wrong. Let The Macalope assure you that he knows Apple can do wrong. He is typing this on a 2016 MacBook Pro, after all. You don’t have to look further than the cognitive dissonance between Tim Cook’s Twitter bio and Apple’s removal of an app helping protestors in Hong Kong not get tear gassed to know Apple doesn’t have it all figured out. But if you want to, take a look at the early reviews of the Apple TV+ shows. They’re not great, Bob!

But let’s take a look at the fall that Samsung is having, shall we? Because wow. While you’re reading, feel free to shout out to the other people on the bus or in your office or at the colonoscopy clinic “IMAGINE IF APPLE DID THAT!” They will surely be bemused by your quirky antics.

After the Galaxy Fold’s disastrous false start in the spring when screens began cracking within 24 hours, Samsung relaunched the $1,980 device last month. What improvements had the company made? It has gone to great lengths to further protect the screen by… burying it under a mound of warnings about its fragility.

Here’s just one of the warnings about the Galaxy Fold and The Macalope swears he is not making this up:

Keep a safe distance between your device and objects that may be affected by magnets such as credit cards and implantable medical devices. If you have an implantable medical device, consult your physician before use.

Apple is way behind on… [checks notes]… pacemaker-stopping foldable screen technology. Tomorrow on the Forbes contributor network and Society for the Preservation of Bed Bugs: “People With Pacemakers Have It Coming.”

Despite the warnings, the screen still breaks.

The Galaxy S10 launch wasn’t exactly picture perfect either. Customers quickly found out that if you put a cheap screen cover on your S10, it would unlock with anyone’s fingerprint. Uncle Ed’s fingerprint? Yep. Sister Edna from the convent? Hers, too.


Even Filthy Larry from outside the Gas-N-Sip?

Especially Filthy Larry. Because Filthy Larry has 11 fingers. You never noticed before because you try not to make eye contact, but he does.

This flaw has since been patched but, again, try to imagine the months of caterwauling that would ensue if Apple shipped a device in that state. Much of it would be done with actual cats.

Aaaaaaaaand finally, speaking of launches, a tip o’ the antlers to 5cat for alerting the horny one to this one. Samsung’s crack marketing team, the one behind that terrifically creepy stalker ad for the Galaxy Gear, thought it would be a great idea to launch a satellite that would take a picture of your picture with the Earth behind it, calling it “SpaceSelfie”. And if you did this and didn’t pose pretending you were dying in the vacuum of space, well, then, shame on you.

As “terrific” (sarcasm quotes) an idea as that is, it was not without its dangers.

”Samsung SpaceSelfie satellite crashes onto Michigan farm.”

[Extreme JFK voice] We choose to go into space! We choose to go into space and take “selfies” that are not really selfies because you’re not actually in space! We choose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are OH GOD LOOK OUT IT’S COMING DOWN!

Fortunately no people or animals were hurt by Samsung’s satellite of self love.

But… can you imagine the giddiness of the tech press if Apple had done that? Even The Macalope is having a hard time.

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