Small phone blues: Wondering if the rumors are true

2020 presents a small phone conundrum.


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Buckle up, buttercups, because The Macalope is about to apply the tin foil to the antlers and dive Mac-head first into iPhone SE 2 rumors!

If you believe these rumors… well, if you believe these rumors, please seek professional help.

You know what? Even if you don’t believe these rumors, seek professional help. We’re all just trying to get through this thing called life and there’s no shame in asking for some help.

[rainbow and theme song]

Anyway, if you believe these rumors, we could get not one but two smaller phones this year. Yes, this is how they get The Macalope for holding on to his iPhone SE for four years, they coax him into maybe buying two phones this year.

If you’re a small phone-o-phile like this phurry phella, phollow along. If you’re into those phreakishly large phones they sell nowadays… well, then, this article isn’t for you. Shove off.

No. Not kidding. Shoo.


Okay, it’s just us weirdos now. The Macalope thought those norms would never leave.

Apple is now expected to ship a new, low-cost iPhone 8-sized phone in the “first half of this year”, according to Ming-chi Kuo, but The Macalope believes it’ll be in March or April, because the company doesn’t want to get it too close to the fall iPhones. According to OnLeaks, it’ll be a hair thicker than the iPhone 8 (or, more precisely, 20 hairs) but otherwise the same form factor with updated internals.

After four years of use, The Macalope’s iPhone SE is barely holding it together physically and emotionally. Suffice it to say that, while the horny one doesn’t want an 8-sized phone, he will most likely be buying one when Apple ships it, if only to be able to charge his phone again without having to Plug. It. In. Just.


Then walk away verrry slowly without disturbing it.

(And, yes, he’s mined the Lightning port multiple times for lint. Please check out his unlicensed Disney characters made from lint on Etsy.)

This 8-sized iPhone, which is expected to cost $399, had previously been dubbed the iPhone SE 2, which it most decidedly is not. Cost is certainly a bonus for small phone phans, but if you’re a phan of the phorm phactor like The Macalope, you’d be willing to pay more to get a smaller phone with modern internals. It’s all about the size. This device is now more sensibly being referred to as the iPhone 9.

By the way, The Macalope isn’t doing the “ph” thing to be funny. It’s clearly not funny. It’s just the “f” key on his butterfly keyboard isn’t working great.

That’s a joke.

It’s really the “l” key.

Six months after the iPhone 9, if you believe those rumors and also these other rumors, Apple will be shipping a 5.4-inch iPhone 12. In June of last year, Max Rudberg sketched out what the size of that device might be based on an edge-to-edge screen, and it comes out just slightly larger than the iPhone SE, like the iPhone X was just slightly larger than the iPhone 8. As Apple’s fall lineup is expect to have squared edges like the current iPad Pro—or the iPhone SE—and this device will come with all the new things, the iPhone 12 will be exactly the phone The Macalope has been waiting for for four years.

If the rumors are true.

Which leads to The Macalope’s quandary. Ideally, he would hang on to his slowly dying SE until fall to see what shakes out, but he’s been following Apple rumors for more than 20 years. Fool me 1,000 times, shame on you. Fool me 1,001 times, shame on me.

But, then, how is Apple fooling The Macalope this time? Is it fooling him by making him buy two phones or is it fooling him by making him wait for a phone that will never ship?

It’s the mind games. Following Apple products is like unraveling a sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting…

Eh, maybe The Macalope will just buy a battery pack for his SE.

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