Golly, 5G: Apple’s big marketing tool is not all there yet

After being told it needed it now, it turns out 5G isn't ready.


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You might have missed this during Apple’s “Hi, Speed” event last week about the iPhone 12, because the Macalope isn’t sure if the company mentioned it or not, but at long last you can buy an iPhone and enjoy the blazing speeds delivered by 5G.



Hang on, the Macalope’s intern is staring at him.

What is it, Carl? It’s always something with this kid, swear to God.

Oh. Huh. The Macalope is being informed that may not be the case for, uh, well, most everyone.

Yes, turns out a funny thing happened on the way to the colosseum, which Verizon CEO Hans Vestberg insisted during Apple’s event we’ll all be back in soon so you’d better get those high-speed phones now.

“Apple's 5G iPhone is here — but 5G isn't ready for showtime.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip.)

Well, that’s weird because the Macalope distinctly remembers being told by members of the Forbes contributor network and Institute for the Advancement of Saving Your Bodily Fluids in Jars in Your Basement back in 2018 that Apple’s lack of 5G phones was a yuuuuge problem. Some pundits were even advising that people should pass on the iPhone 11 because they’d totally want the iPhone 12 to get 5G, a network it turns out they probably won’t be able to use for another year.

Solid advice. A++. Would take again. With all those Covid-fighting bleach injections the Macalope’s been taking.

Now, after several years of hearing how behind the times iPhones have been by not giving access to something people couldn’t use yet, Apple is in the position of having to try to sell people on, uh, something most of them can’t use yet. Which is great for pundits because you can get Apple coming and going.

“Apple and Verizon have a tawdry new way to sell you iPhone 12.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick.)

That way is 5G. First Apple was too late, now it’s too early.

While Apple’s repeated use of “5G!!!” throughout its event was definitely over the top, how much do we really need phones that may or may not be able to access a faster network when most of us aren’t leaving the house?

Apple is obviously engaged in a little of that “marketing” you might have heard of. Yes, Apple is trying to sell you something in a rather ham-fisted manner (remarkably without the use of Bob Mansfield’s ham-sized fists). It’s not exactly the first time Apple’s showed up a little late to a party and then claimed to have invented partying, of course.

It might be gross, but it’s not stupid. Pundits, on the other hand, were supposedly engaged in “analysis” over the last few years and look how that turned out.



The Macalope is being told he does not have an intern. He regrets the error.

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