The 11 most pointless, useless iPhone apps

If only the iPhone had a calculator, right? Instead of which we have to pay 79p for a facsimile of an ancient Chinese, analogue adding machine.

This app isn’t entirely useless – it does work as a rudimentary adding and subtracting machine, after all. But pointless it most certainly is.

Download Abacus here.

Do you struggle to clean up your potty mouth? Don’t worry, help is at hand. Rather than working at your vocabulary and, you know, not swearing when it isn’t appropriate, you can hit up this app and bleep out the rudeness in conversation.

Yes, I know it is supposed to be fun. But it’s still useless. And pointless. Get it here.

Not useless. Not entirely pointless. If ever you find yourself having to decide whether or not to allow Tom Cruise to ride the waltzers, this app will be your friend.

So get it here.

Don’t buy Fan Cooler. But do visit the iTunes page just to see the angry messages from punters who purchased it expecting an app to make their iPhone into a portable fan. This app is so useless and pointless it is positively Darwinian.

You know what is missing from your iPhone? Saliva. With this app you can rectify that, *and* impress people with how stupid and pointless you can be. This app purports to allow you to play your iPhone like a harmonica. Exactly like a harmonica. And if that doesn’t give you pause, you are in the wrong place.

Get Harmonica here.

Where to begin? This app does one spectacularly useless and pointless thing, and it does it well. It measures how long you can hold a spot on your iPhone’s screen. If that sounds like fun, we salute you (as we back away. Slowly. Smiling kindly).

Get Hold On here.

Apple has spoilt our fun here by banning this app. That is categorically a good thing. But also a shame, because useless and pointless was all that this app was. It cost $1,000, and did nothing other than put a red jewel on screen. The whole point was that you could display the jewel to signify how wealthy you are. So wealthy that you can afford to drop a grand on something useless.

Had the makes called it ‘I am a bell end’, it would likely still be available.

You know what is cool and all adult and stuff? DRINKING. BEER. And with iBeer you can drink virtual beer all day long. Impress your friends without getting a hangover. The second most useless and pointless beer-related app there is. (The first is the now discontinued Pour1Out iphone app, which offers a similar functionality but via which you pour our virtual beer instead of drinking it.)

Get your fill here.

Some apps are wilfully pointless. This app is just rubbish. In principle it can weigh out the correct measures of cooking ingrediants using your iPhone. In practice it requires you to poor flour and other kitchen staples all over your phone’s display. And then guesses a weight based on how much of the display that ingrediant covers. Can you see the flaw? Useless.

Get your useless kitchen app here.

A truly terrible, truly useless, truly pointless app. At least it is free. What’s Your Nickname takes you through a laborious, ad-heavy process to produce a ‘nickname’ that is no way relevant to anything that is gone before. At which point you have convince the people in your life to adopt your new moniker. I didn’t think it was possible to go below a self-styled nickname, but it turns out it is.

Your nicknamed life begins here.